A SKIPTON pub landlord has taken to verse to express his frustration with those who take to social media to vent their spleens.

Calvin Dow, landlord of The Castle Inn, Mill Bridge, says his poem - Life Behind Bars - is in response to those who complain on social media sites and on TripAdvisor about all manner of things - from food being too hot, or too cold, for not being locally sourced, or simply just not up to standard.

Mr Dow, who took over the pub in 2010, when he was just 23 years old, and in 2012 was Star Pubs and Bars ‘best newcomer’ in the company’s annual awards, takes issue with those who let their children run riot, who make unreasonable demands, and who expect fine dining, and at the end of it, take to social media sites to complain.

But, he stresses, his poem, from the point of view of a ‘disgruntled pub landlord’ is however, not to be taken seriously.

“It is just a light hearted, tongue in cheek dig and it’s not that I hate customers - I don’t want to go out of business,” he said.

“It’s just that the days of social media reviewing and TripAdvisor are starting to take their toll on the pub trade a bit and publicans, chefs and pub workers are starting to rebel.”

Life Behind Bars, by Calvin Dow:

Publicans, chefs and bar staff across the country wide

Let’s all unite together and tell them from our side!

You come into our pubs, never wipe your feet and let your kids run riot

Our extensive menu just isn’t enough because your wife’s still on that diet!

Gluten free this and vegan that, we’re trying so hard to please

But there’s so many things, we’re trying our best, come on, we’re down on our knees!

“This is nothing special!” “It’s just pub grub!” “We expected real fine dining!”

Look, it says pub on the sign, what do you want, just shut up and stop whining!

The soup’s too hot, the coffee’s too cold and apparently our food is too dear!

Just what has happened to the good old days, when you went to the pub for a beer?

“We’ve got a coach to catch!” “Where is our food?” “We’ve waited well over an hour!”

“This veg isn’t fresh!” “This meat’s not local!” “Don’t treat me like a sucker!”

Well, if you can do better, why leave the house, surely you’ve got your own cooker!

She raved about this and ranted about that, but stormed out before I could advise her

But instead of telling me the truth, yes, straight to TripAdvisor!

“No baby changing?” “No colouring books?” “Just what kind of pub is this?”

A proper one, luv, you must remember, because it sounds like you’re taking the p**

“I’d like a jug of water and two glasses, brought to the table we’ve chosen”

Not a problem, Sir, but I hope you don’t mind, that all of our ice cubes are frozen!

“Landlord, you must provide, free water, at all times, just so that you know!”

Turn up here, in the middle of the night, yes, from a bucket via top window!

“I want a refund!” “I’ll pay you half!” “I’m simply not paying for this!”

But you’ve eaten the food, that’s not how it works, next time, just give us a miss!

“I was next, not her! were you a good Landlord, you’d know what to do!”

But, ah yes, were you a good customer, you’d know how to queue, wouldn’t you?

“What can I get you?” “I don’t know!” why is this such a hard task?

Whatever he wants, when he decides, I bet he orders the Guinness last!

“I’d like a BLT, without tomato and hold the salad garni!”

Have you any idea, what you’ve just ordered from me, is now’t but a bacon sarnie!

“This beer is cloudy, but it tastes alright, is there a way that you can amend?”

If it tastes okay, just close you’re eyes, that way, it won’t offend!

“We want to sit here, no, we want to sit there!” yet they move all the menus on tables

Give us a break, they all read the same, this is more than my patience enables!

“I can’t drink gin out of a half pint glass, what are you doing? That’s sacrilege!”

There’s no glasses left, because you don’t bring them back! I’m throwing me off a bridge!

There’s dogs on the seats, kids running around with parents giving them chase

“There’s a hair in my food!” “It’s too noisy in here!” My God, get me out of this place!

“We’ve always fancied a pub, when we retire, it looks like such a nice past time!”

Honestly guys, if that’s what you think, here’s the keys, you can just have mine!